The Value of Revisiting The Past

As I sorted through some of my old notes looking for a notebook, I found some papers with notes from a Human Design reading and astrology reading that I had late last year. At the top of them was scribbled an affirmation given to me for my design, “I value what I’ve learned, not what I know.”

This resonated completely with me, and where I currently am in my entrepreneurial journey.

You may be asking, what’s the difference between what you learn and what you know? Knowing implies some level of wisdom taught by another. Learning comes from experience. Subtle, but very poignant and accurate for my life.

You see, I’ve been struggling with feeling fearful of putting myself out there because it always seems like I don’t know enough to matter. That there are so many more people out there that know more than I do. That I need to consume more and more in order to feel worthy enough to share my wisdom. It’s a trap though because in this age of highly accessible information, there is always more information to consume than possible. I know it’s been holding me back, because I also haven’t been valuing what actually makes me worthy of helping others, and that is my experience.

Initially when I received this affirmation, I wasn’t sure I completely understood it or related to it. I’ve always sought to learn but most of the time it came from reading or listening to others. This usually goes in through one ear and out the other. The lessons I’ve truly learned have come through experiencing different things in life, and the toughest but most effective teachers have always been my failures. And trust me, this past year has been full of failures lessons learned.

It’s funny how a year’s worth of experience can shift the understanding and meaning of something. This is why I always recommend people write down whatever guidance they receive (especially if it is something channeled!). It may not make complete sense then, but eventually it will.

I’ve seen healing journeys represented as a spiral slowly making its way up to a point at the top (I liken it to a screw tip). One side of the spiral may represent one aspect of your healing journey, but you end up having to go past that point several times on your way up. As frustrating as it is to see the same wound again and revisit the past AGAIN, you’re not actually repeating the same process. With each pass, you are looking at the same situation from an elevated perspective, which in turn changes what you can learn from it.

Earlier this morning, I noticed myself getting very upset with my son for attempting to pull the pom pom strings from one of my favorite winter beanies while we were in the car. Even though I tried to stay cool, calm, and collected, I was getting very anxious about him boldly claiming it was his and ruining this hat that had sentimental value. I was a few moments from ripping the hat out of his hands until my husband stepped in to try getting him to stop. As I took a moment to myself, I immediately was taken back to 5 year old me.

I had been gifted Candy Land as a Christmas gift from Santa at school and when I came home, my younger brother so desperately wanted it. I didn’t want to share because it was a rarity to have something that was just mine (middle child syndrome is real y’all), so my great grandma who favored him decided to tear the board in half so we could share. She was foreign born and had no concept of what a board game was, but I was absolutely devastated. No one was there to comfort me or to help me understand that this moment and the lack of respect for my opinion was not indicative of my worth.

Now because I have done a lot of work exploring my subconscious behaviors, I understood what this memory represented and how it related to the current moment. I was able to breathe and talk to my inner child, reaffirming that I mattered and my safety was not truly under threat, and quickly came back to center.

It was experiences like those and the related triggered feelings that have taught me throughout life and what makes me who I am today. Because of my challenges, I developed a deeper understanding that people needed nurturing, love, and that they mattered. I am now able to naturally give others in my coaching sessions what I so desperately needed as a child, which I can confidently now say is my own superpower.

Though this is only one example of an experience coming full circle, I know there are many more to discover as I continue on my path to healing. If you’ve struggled with having to revisit past wounds or even understanding some guidance you’ve received in your meditations or readings, trust that its meaning will come to you when you’re ready.

PS: If you’re interested in a Business Human Design reading, I highly recommend Jenni at Higher House. You can find her here.