Mommy Pumpkin is sad

Today we finished carving all of our pumpkins for Halloween.

I asked Bennett what my pumpkin should look like, since he had chosen both his and Dominic’s faces for their pumpkins.

“The Mommy pumpkin should be sad.”

Burn.

I didn’t think much of it at the time and complied, but after reflecting I have to wonder, is that really the image of me he thinks of? I’ve had my moments, for sure, but I’d like to think I came off as more happy than sad. But then as I sat in the living room after putting him to bed, I realized, yes, I was actually sad.

Earlier today I wanted nothing more than to chuck the pumpkins in the street or stab at them with a knife to get out my rage. He fought us tooth and nail with eating his dinner, made a mess everywhere, and eventually he bit Dominic hard enough that he yelled and had to cool off with a walk around the block. This left me with trying to get him to eat while Rory was crying. Enter overwhelm. This continued as I tried to get him to sleep and he fought me on almost everything. I was just so shot that when Dominic asked me what he could do to help, I didn’t even know.

It’s taken me a while to realize that beneath the anger and overwhelm is so much sadness.

I try so hard to keep it together for others, that I end up not getting a chance to express my feelings. Feelings that I’ve discovered are incredibly deep and strong.

The truth is, I’ve been putting myself through some inner turmoil. I keep trying so hard to get this coaching business to grow, yet it feels like my efforts aren’t gaining as much traction as I’d like. I am inspired and drawn to so many different avenues, I feel confused about where to focus. I’ve wanted so desperately to not have to do my engineering job for so long, I find myself drained after a day when I actually have to spend 8+ hours focusing on solely that.

It’s interesting how all of my experiences mirror back to me what I need to know. This is something I understand and know happens, but it’s always fascinating to reflect on. Coaching clients I’ve had have shown me areas where I can continue to grow. People who try to sell to me show me my aversions and where I’m limiting myself. My kids’ highly expressive emotions trigger me because I keep mine locked away. The people I surround myself with who talk about themselves constantly annoy me because they seem uninterested in listening to me (the classic give more than I take issue). Knowing my kids had a hard day and I wasn’t able to comfort them how I would have liked to because I was so overwhelmed makes me feel like I am a failure because I can’t deal with my own shit.

I like to think that I’ve grown - I know I have, but there’s apparently still so much more, which is frustrating (surprise, surprise! this is another topic of conversation I’ve had with someone I coached recently). I know with the transits right now, it’s not an easy time, but man am I so over how hard these last several years have been. It feels like I’ve been taking one step forward, and two steps back.

Some days like today I just want to burn my entire life to the ground, run away, or numb the pain. I caught myself thinking about drinking all the beer we had in the fridge while I was trying to find something for breakfast this morning. Definitely out of character for me, but unsurprising given the resentment, the sadness, the guilt, the boredom, the frustration, and the anxiety I’ve been feeling. When I get to the point of rage like I did today, I know I have a lot to unpack.

I feel awful thinking about Benny characterizing me as a sad person. But I guess that also means that I inherently believe that being sad is a bad thing. I have been trying to not demonize any emotion, because I know there is a reason for all of them, but apparently I still hold onto some of those beliefs. Emotions are there to tell a story of what you are experiencing.

Happiness = indicates something we enjoy or what is important to us

Anger = a boundary has either been crossed or needs to be made/enforced

Fear = helps keep us safe from threats

Sadness = indicates how we need to treat ourselves and how we want others to treat us, and in cases such as grief, it can also indicate what is important to us

In all honestly, I’ve spent a good portion of my life sad…it just has usually shown up as anger. Turns out the codependency I learned in order to feel valued doesn’t equal being cared for like I need. I’ve allowed myself to be taken advantage of by others because I never asked for what I needed. This has been ingrained in me so much that the one time in my life where I was actively doing a hobby for myself, I felt selfish because I couldn’t commit as much time to other people in my life. Wild to think about, really.

So I guess it’s time I prioritize myself again and do more that brings me joy. (Yes, this is also something else that came up in a client call hah).

And apparently it’s also time I pay more attention to the words I say to others in coaching calls…